Episode Four:


Edwin: Quite a nuclear family. One father, one mother, three sons. Iím the oldest at 20. Next comes Jay at 17 and Craig at 16. My father and mother got along unbelievably well...no matter what. My father owns his own business and it really hasn't gotten off the ground until these past years and the dough has been rolling in. My mother is a college professor in political science. My parents have practically disowned me ever since I came out to them this past AprilÖ My father told me "Get out of here, Edwin, get out. We raised you for 18 years and this is how you reward us? Get out you fag and never come back" From that moment on, I was not allowed to ever see my brothers againÖ My father won't let them meet me and I can't get in contact with them. I feel so alienated from them... but yet I know in the past we were so close.

Colleen: Sorry... it took me a while to process that whole story... maybe because it hit to close to home. I understand... for the last two years of high school, I lived with a lesbian couple I knew from work. They've become my mothers... and strangely enough, a gay couple they know have become my fathers. I still try to keep up a relationship with my family, but it's difficult. In so many ways, I had to cut myself off from them..

Edwin: Iím sure that I can get help from some people that have experienced this kind of thing... but it's a bit harder for me... because Iím stuck between two worlds... the straight and the gay... I don't truly belong to either and it's hard to find those that present the same situation. I find that the straight either spurn or accept the homosexuals and that the homosexuals either spurn or accept the bisexuals... So either way, Iím screwed, unless I become one or the other.

Scott: Holy s---, Edwin, that is totally uncalled for and basically I think it is a waste of time and energy on your father's part. Well, he is missing out, trust me, and I bet he is hurting inside. So you havenít talked to your brothers? Can you contact them? I really hope you get in contact with them, because family lasts forever and it is a great thing that can never, EVER be substituted , replaced or changed....

Edwin: One problem is... that I don't know how my brother's feel about me. I donít know if their thoughts reflect my father's, so I don't even know if it will be worth it to try to get in contact with them anymore.

Joe: Edwin, youíre the only web mate, I have not really gotten to know... Come bond with me. Actually, I donít think I've really bonded with anybody yet... I honestly want to know who feels like we all have bonded yet????

Joe (confessional): I donít why, but I love to come to the confessional. This is the only place I guess I can get out all I want to say about this experience.  In a sick way, I desperately want to get to know these people... I know I said in earlier confessionals that complex people fascinate me, well what bothers me is that I canít get a fix on these people!!!! Are they complex? Phony? Sincere? Sweet?

Edwin: I don't think any of us here have bonded... but we are at a point where we are starting to be more comfortable with each other and are starting to get to know each other better. I think that some people aren't around enough and they seem to be left out of this projectÖ I think some people are left out of discussions because they're not as available to post as often as some people do.

Philip: To a point, I do think I've bonded with Scott. He's been here quite often when I've been... we have some similar ways of dealing with things & I think we share some humor.

Scott: Coo deal, thanks Phil. Well, I feel like I know you more than others alsoÖ The bottom line, in my opinion, is that this is a very unusual and interesting project and its the first time ever its been done. Given that, I just think we need more time to bond and stuff... but as for me, I do intend to bond with people and get to know them.

Beth: I don't feel like I've bonded with anybody yet, but I agree that it's still very early in the game. I do feel like part of that comes with the fact that I can't currently be online as much as some of you, but I do catch up on just about all the posts and post replies when I get the urge. So, as long as we all keep an eye out for "delayed" posts and stuff like that, we're doing the best we can. Often, discussions are already begun and finished by the time I read them, so it seems like I can't really contribute. But that's just one of the kinks of this being a computer project, I guess... just like how I can't really feed Phil croissants. :)

Colleen: I'll tell you I feel like that. I mean, I'll post much later, but it's like I've missed the conservation, the joke, or whatever...

Philip: Don't be harsh on yourself... you need to take care of what you need to. We... or at least I know you're still around. So what if you miss a few posts? I think I know a good deal about you...and even some of the discussion lines you see are only tidbits of time. They're not always one right after the other.

Colleen: I've been working two jobs, so it's like 70 hours a week... and I don't really like being in Seattle because my life is at school, in Montana... and one of my good friends, one of the women I use to work with and moved in with, has been battling breast cancer. That's part of my I came back to Seattle now. SO when I'm not at a job, I'm at the hospital... like right now. I've got access to a computer here. I think the summer has just taken a toll on me. I grew up so fast, coming to terms with my life and sexuality, that I think I forget (along with other people) that I am only 20. It's a struggle I've had for a while.

Philip: Hmmm - I understand the growing up thing. Sometimes I can't decide if I'm turning on 50 or 5. How is your friend doing? Is she in the hospital due to the progression of the cancer or for tests? I just told someone else to do this. I know when there's someone in need, I can tell you're someone who wants to reach out...but are you taking care of yourself as well. If not, who are you going to be good for then?

Colleen: Yea... Pat's been going through treatment..., which is hard. This was a woman I thought nothing could hurt, and here she is at her weakness. I know I need to take care of myself... my friends keep telling me that... one of my two jobs end in a week, which is nice. You know sometimes, you just wish it was easier...

Philip: What did you mean by that last line?

Colleen: Don't worry...I'm not thinking of doing anything to myself... I've been to that point in high school, and I have to much going for me right now. It's just that I've been working with kids my age, and it always seems like they have no problems... except what to wear and what party to go to. And sometimes, I wish I had that life, thought I know no one is perfect.

Philip: I wasn't even thinking about you like doing anything like intentionally hurting yourself...I mean, just looking out for yourself too. Don't make yourself sick by running around too much.


Scott: Well, i feel like it is my duty to spark one of our interesting conversation topics. Since I would normally talk about this subject with like, ok, ANYONE in the world, itís your guys' turn to talk about it with me. So, anyone masturbate? And will admit it? Offended by it? Well, I will start, very mildly, but trust me! I have lots of stuff to say on this topic, so the more we talk, the more funny and definitely INTERESTING this conversation can get... hehe. Ok, I do it. But I have lots to say and ask and tell about this... whoís next? Gosh, I feel so devilish! I love it! hahahhaahahha

Beth: I don't even want to touch this topic, but... <<get it? "Touch" this topic? Hardy friggin har har har...>> To add my input... I, personally, am not a self-pleaser. Nothing against it, just don't do it. So, Scott... how often are we talking here? :)

Joe: How did I know Scott would bring this up. Well I have nothing to hide. I DO IT, I LIKE IT, DOESNíT BEAT THE REAL THING. I mean donít get me wrong, I donít do it like three times a day (anymore) but when your feeling a little stressed or a little randy, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Renee: Dammit! I wanted to be the one to initially ask this question. Oh well. My answer, of course, is yes. I masturbate... all the time. Itís fun, and it DOES beat the real thing more often than not for me. Unfortunately, I havenít been with a guy for very long, so things never get really good if you know what I mean. SO... a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. ;)

Scott: Right on, Renee. You know what? I think it is hilarious because its weird because very few girls I know will admit they do... but on the flip side, every guy does and at least every guy I know, does admit it. I donít believe a guy if he says he has never...

Joe: Call me what you want, but I think it is so sexy when I girl admits she masturbates. I think it shows she's confident and not afraid of her sexuality. So right now, Renee is a major turn on in the house :-)

Scott: Joe, what are you talking about? Sheís always been a major turn-on...

Joe (Confessional): Ok, how turned on am I at the fact that Renee just admitted she masturbated. I feel like a giddy fifteen-year-old kid. It is such a turn on when a woman can be honest about her sexuality. NOTHING makes me more limp in the ole joystick than a girl who says "EWWWWWWWWWWWW, I WOULD NEVER TOUCH MYSELF!!!"

Beth: You're not sounding annoying or anything, Renee. Don't sweat it. But it's just something that I've never really thought would be beneficial... Okay, maybe that's not the word I'm looking for... but I am aware of the fact that I'm kinda like unaware of how I *want* to be "pleased." I mean, I definitely know what doesn't please me... and so far, there's not a lot that does actually get me off down south.... and, of course, that scares the shit out of me.


Philip: Joe, any hangovers lately?

Joe: Oh Great, I get smashed at some party and all of the sudden I'm the token drunk of the house. For your information Phil, I donít get hangovers. I can hang with anybody and I once won $200 from this guy at a bar for going shot for shot with him of Irish Whiskey. He fell on the floor, I won the cash. I also funneled a full bottle of tequila when I was in Cancun. What can I say some people are born with looks, some with intellect, I can DRINK. :-)

Philip: Ieesh-oops... I didn't mean it that way. Kind of as a joke. I remember watching this one training video where this guy was (for real) in the process of getting drunk. He stated he drinks pretty heavily, pretty regularly & doesn't ever get hangovers. When asked, "Do you think your drinking habits would be different if you got hangovers?" He said, "yes." I'm sorry if it came out that way.


On The Next Cyberland:

The house feels like theyíre beginning to bond for the first time since they met. Edwin and Colleen get into a serious conversation about his sexualityÖ then Edwin makes a decision and people begin to turn on him.